Does it really end?

Death. Is it really the end? Dying yourself maybe is, but what happens when someone close to you suffers that fate? Truly said, dying is easier than facing the death of your loved ones. Here’s my experience at facing one such situation, several years ago.

Rather surprisingly, news pertaining to death don’t make me cry (which is the reason I am labeled insensitive by many). And it all started back then. Granny was seriously ill and we went to pay her a visit. Those being the days without mobile phones, we didn’t know the latest updates. The three hour journey was quite peaceful and fun-filled as usual. And we entered the house to see people in whites and wailing. Scary. I was barely 13-14 and didn’t know what to do. Just went and sat down close to her, half expecting her to be asleep and wake up anytime due to the ruckus that the mourners were creating. Tears failed me and so did sanity. All I could do was stare blankly, oblivious to everyone else in the room. Someone (I still don’t remember who) noticed me and took me to the adjoining house where my cousins were half-crying and sleepy. I couldn’t sleep all night. In the morning dad asked me whether I wanted to come for the funeral and I freaked out. For heaven’s sake, I wasn’t going to watch anyone burn her down which led to me almost shouting out no. The trauma, the horrific scenes, the pain, subsided over time. Although the memories I have are pleasant, the dark ones too linger in the background. After all you can’t delete memories, only suppress them.

And I can safely conclude thus. Loss due to death is not just physical. You lose not only the person and his/her company but also a part of your life. There is a hole in your mind which no one else can fill. And whenever you encounter that hole everything goes blank. I have my blank out moments whenever I miss her. And somehow, the memories just don’t make up for it.